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A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months and his days are numbered!
I was reading this book today –The History Of Glue – and I couldn't put it down.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Canoe.
Canoe, who?
Canoe come over and play?
Five tips for a woman –
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Had a catastrophe during editing. Someone ate my mouse!
Challenge! Can you read these aloud correctly the first time?
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The tip was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
I did not object to the object.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
WHY?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
At my age
I’ve seen it all
Done it all
Heard it all
I just can’t remember it all!
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
So Tel asks Pete:
"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
Pete replied:
"You thick idiot – if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat!”
Martyn Offord spotted this sign in Wollaton Park. The lack of punctuation makes it far more interesting. Who can blame the female deer for keeping well clear!
Good Housekeeping Tip
Always keep several get well cards on the mantlepiece...
So if unexpected guests arrive,
they will think you’ve been sick
and unable to clean.
These so-called speed bumps are a joke.
If anything, they slow you down.
HOUSEHOLD TIP: Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
On a beautiful summer day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress, ‘Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?’
The girl leaned over and said, ‘Burrr. Gurrr. King’
DIY TIP 1: You only need two tools; WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
DIY TIP 2: If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
FOR SALE
ONE USELESS CAT
On helping a friend with a computer problem I noticed she used the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When I asked her why such a big password, she said that the instructions stated it had to be at least eight characters long.
You can always tell a Yorkshireman – but not much!
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Trousers ?
Trousers never get dirty; you can wear them forever.
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I wonder if road traffic police officers ever get cheesed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit!
Rabbi Blue’s advice on “Best before date” on food –
If it doesn’t move of its own accord it’s fresh.
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'